In four days I graduate college. I thought it’d be a long three weeks between classes and this, but actually it’s starting to go a little fast now. I feel bad, but it’s all internal, and it’s not as bad as I thought. To some degree I know that it’s over and I lost, so I’m just trying to enjoy the time I have left. But the what’s next is not compelling at all. It’s actually quite terrible. I want to be alone, or I want to be in a space where I can just feel like myself and not feel bad about it.
I’m sitting here writing this watching a group of friends hang out together on some building steps enjoying one of their last nights together in college. It’s that sort of thing that really just destroys me. I had so much time, and now I don’t have any. I mean really. Really. I really needed something to be waiting for me afterwards. Maybe it’s a fun challenge that there isn’t. I wish I felt like fun was the right word. I wish someone would just hire me? Maybe I will just move to Chicago. Or New York. The problem is you have to build up to something like that, and I haven’t, and I don’t really want to. And so I’m back at the same place I’m always at. Too scared to live and too scared to die. There has to be a solution somewhere. There always is. To problems.
I think this has to be my only time taking a break. I need to get job right when I get home.
If I wrote a book it would have to be something new. I think too much of myself was in my old characters and I think for a story to be compelling you have to put yourself into it with more intention. It’s funny I can still remember the plot a little though. I wouldn’t want to write about middle schoolers though, being so old now. It’d have to be a workplace drama. “Here’s the new hire, show them around”, conflict ensues, main character (but not central character) has to pick a side. Lucky scarf… It was mostly concepts and vague connections than a real story. A sort of loose tapestry with lots of colors and lots of holes. It was framed too big to ever have really had a chance.
Drew and Jason? Something with a J, and Oroan of course. Obviously I had a favorite. I mean, that could be an interesting story, kind of mystery element. New hire at workplace, workplace crush, but it turns out they’ve been sentenced to eternal damnation, imminently. Or something along those lines. I don’t think I ever really sorted out that part of it all. It was something dark, but something that was called upon, invited in some sense. Out of… curiosity? A lust for power maybe. Or a generational curse, to be warded off, managed, not able to be ended or defeated,
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Chap 1
There was nothing particularly stunning about the new hire. She was pretty, in a kind of ambiguous way. Her face was round, but shallow in some places. Her eyes were big, but not so much so that they overpowered any other features. It was the kind of face you noticed something new about every time you looked at it, almost defying anyone to take any kind of ownership over it. But she was really pretty. Or, attractive. Jason had had the immediate impression that she’d looked like a scared animal. But it wasn’t fear, exactly. It was a keen awareness, not paranoid, but with an assuredness that something was going to go wrong, and that she would be prepared for it. Maybe the perfect woman.
“You have exactly one more chance to respond before…” Jason didn’t hear the rest of the sentence, but it sounded important enough to warrant a one word response. His manager sighed, thinking aloud that this was the absolute last person that this company needed to be interacting with a new employee. Which, if a little hurtful, did sound promising. Actually it was one of the less hurtful pieces of feedback his manager had given him over his three months working at the company. And it was still “the company” to him. His manager said something else that seemed to leave room for a retort.
“Yeah, of course” was a response that usually proved harmless. The other party seemed to disagree, and looked to be just a few more wrong words away from wringing his neck. Or maybe that was just his face.
'“Look, just show her around. And then get back to work.” Jason nodded, and stood up. Maybe something good would come of this experience yet.
not end of chapter
first interaction
he was a business analytics boy, she was a content/branding intern girl
Jason is not a huge fan of the other employees, Drew is cautiously optimistic about the new job
maybe retcon to a necklace charm thing
Drew is not a huge fan of Jason, slight drama
some hint of the other
chap 2 is maybe pov switch?
drive/walk home, mini lore dump
home, shadow and tearing apart
I forget what the actual conflict is. retcon as maybe… the new intern is being slowly dragged to the equivalent of hell, her coworker (who kind of sucks and is also really into her) has to save (?) her // not save but like do something about it. something something connection something something point of connection something something living w ‘it’. love triangle?? but also not really
I do need to write more. ought to even.
goodnight substack