I had a dream last night. It involved demon bee possession and a pairing with a lot more will they than won’t they. A really comforting amount, to the point where the won’t they barely felt like an option. They will, inevitably, it just has to work itself out somehow.
Today two basketball players died. One former, one current. It’s the first time since I’ve really started following the NBA that a player I’d sat down and watched on multiple occasions just, died. He was 29. A few years ago that would have been an incomprehensible age. So far away that it wouldn’t even be worth considering. Now it seems pretty close, and pretty young. In some sense I’m on my way there. “There” is left ambiguous intentionally, but there are many correct interpretations.
After his death was… announced? That’s the other weird part, the reporting on this sort of thing. It’s an event, because he was a public figure, and a well liked one at that. And so it was announced in a way, which incites reaction and response. And so people reacted. Sometimes it feels like nothing can just happen anymore. Everything needs to be added upon and reacted to and counteracted and pushed against. Nothing can just be, because everything that is (that we know of) is being documented and monitored, and because leaving it as is has no potential for value. And why do anything if there’s no potential for gain.
I graduate in four days (technically), but really I have two days left to do any things that I need to. Want to? I should be desperately clawing at the people around me to try and tear a few more pieces of them to take with me. I’m not really feeling it though. I’m too ready for everything to end, even though I know that ending doesn’t imply any closure or resolution, but just a dissolution of the little structure I’ve had in my life the past however many years. My whole life really.
Right now the thought of killing myself is back to just a little hum. Not even really a whisper, it’s more like one of those electrical units outside of buildings that is whirring but can mostly be ignored, even though it’s a little annoying. Right now it just seems silly, because in a lot of ways my life, whatever I’ve been building up to the same however many years, is ending already. Most of the things I’m doing now are, “my last ___”, “the last ___”. I really really want to just run away from it all. I probably could if I tried hard enough. For some reason I still have at least some hope things will work out. They have to, right? That’s what everyone says. And if they don’t it’s not like that leaves me anywhere new.
I wonder why I’m so self-destructive. What could possibly be the evolutionary incentive. I wish so much that we knew why people wanted to kill themselves. I know I said it’s just lurking right now, but there’s still something stopping my long term planning from not ending at a place where I’m at the bare minimum unsafe and unhappy.
I I I I I. Because the world does revolve around me. And it always has and always will, until I die. I I I. I should be doing something else right now. I know I’m making a wrong decision, and one I’ll probably regret. I I I I.
I
I’ve lost my train of thought, because I’m not alone anymore. Or, I’m alone, but not undisturbed. If you think about it there is nothing more lame than writing to yourself alone while people are hanging out around you. I was here first though, so…
There is wax and there is wick and there is flame. It must be scary to eventually go out, even if your purpose is to burn. I wonder if any candles resent their candlemakers. The candlemaker will also burn out one day, but he can live. The candle only watches and serves a purpose.
I <3 psuedointellectualism.
I think it’s over for today.